The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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