the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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