I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
