can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
