There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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