I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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