We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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