I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
