she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bring me that man meat
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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