hotel room ftw
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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