Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
