I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
