My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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