you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
