I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
