So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
