I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
