im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
