you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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