i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
