I just cut my nipple shaving
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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