Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
