I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
