my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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