Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
