So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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