I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
