I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
