Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
