I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
