so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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