He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
