omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
