I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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