Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
