Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
