Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
