Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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