and you said cock pushups were impossible
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sober January is a disaster.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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