My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
