He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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