Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
