So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
