barbara walters just said penis...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
