I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
thus making me awesome and them whores
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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