I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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