it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
