1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
