Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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