Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
