you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
