After last night, I could never be a politician.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
