Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
